she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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