Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
