I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
