Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
