We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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