hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
