Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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