Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
