Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
