I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
