If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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