god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
