so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
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Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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