Rock
Scissors
Fuck
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
