listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
