I'm pants shitting drunk right now
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
