Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
