Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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