Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
