I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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