I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
