Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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