I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I want a musical about memes.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
