I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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