I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
