life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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