I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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