I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
