Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
