I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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