so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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