i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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