I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
