I'm jealous of your bromance
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
