I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
