PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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