I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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