i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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