You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
