I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
