Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
