just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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