so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
