I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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