I think I died a long time ago.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
