On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
