I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
