Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
