Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
