Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
