I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
