I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
