John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
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