Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
