we have pet lesbian snakes
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
