woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
